Let's Talk About Love


(This post was written before I starting going out with my current boyfriend).


This is going to be a very frank post, somewhat emotional for me, at parts. Some of these things I have never shared before, some of my fears. I am a little scared by the prospect at what people may find this post, I don't want to be judged, although it does not matter what some people think of me, but I should not have to take criticism. So let's begin:
My "Love" Life did not start easily, boys, because they truly were boys at the time, were never interested in me until I turned 15, it must have been like some trigger went off, and guys would suddenly found me attractive, an absurd as that is. Until then I had spent my years being rejected by any guy I had the slight amount of interest in. I had constant thoughts of not being good enough, wondering if I was a horrible person, if there was just something wrong with me, if I was hideous, or if I was just repulsive. Some nights I was reduced to tears because I felt so unwanted. Obviously looking back those evenings were silly and a waste of my time, but I'm sure everyone experiences moments like these.
Then a few months before my 16th birthday I met my first boyfriend at a friends party. I'm sure we all know the feeling when you meet and become the girlfriend of your first boyfriend; your heart swells and everything feels slightly perfect, and when you fall in love everything becomes a little more perfect. Looking back I know I loved him, but I'm not so sure I was in love with him, we would have broken up at some point, we didn't have enough in common, which you don't necessarily realise when you're together and happy, but although I was crushed when we broke up, especially as it was over a silly break up, it really helped me grow up a little bit.
One of my other boyfriends, I was definitely in love with, everything with him was as easy as breathing, he was funny, creative, good looking, clever, had a wonderful family and lived in a lovely city. And although it was a long distance relationship, we coped and it lasted for a year, which I think is rather impressive considering our ages. What I found when we broke up though was not that I only missed him, but I missed his family, I missed Brighton, I missed the travelling, I missed everything about our relationship, and what really breaks me the most is that he promised we would still be friends and yet now he won't even have a civil conversation with me, did I some how ruin his life by being with him, did I do something so wrong that he can't even bother to type a few words to me? All of these questions will never be answered, because I will not allow myself to be hurt by him again.

This is the emotional bit, although I have been in love with others, I, myself have never been loved. No one that I have ever loved, claims that they never loved me, one I never expected to, one said it to me, one said it to my friend, (seriously, what kind of idiot tells a girls best friend that? She is obviously going to tell me!). It all brings me back to the insecurities of my younger self, is there something about me that is unloveable, there must have been something to attract them to me in the first place and yet I remain unloved and unwanted. I rerun having a conversation about this with people, but I can never imagine their answers, would they faslely reassure me, make anything up and give me a blunt answer.
I keep thinking to myself that I know what I want, at least before I go to university, what I think I want is someone special, someone I can spend time with, who cares about me, wants me to be happy, will cuddle me during films and just sit on the sofa and laugh at my "funny" jokes, but I can't allow myself to fall in love, I can not allow something to stop me going to University, to stop me from growing up and that is what I'm afraid of this time, as well as building a wall between myself and whoever I find, because it'll be one or the other, I fall in love, or keep myself disconnected. There is no happy medium, but I can't stand being alone, I can't not express how unhappy I am when I'm alone, friends may fill the void, but it's not the same as a boyfriend. Not that any of this matters, because I find myself incapable of talking to any attractive male while sober, even then I rarely get flirted with, and no one is interested in getting to know me, I can't even remember the last time I got asked out on a date.

Since writing this post I have indeed found someone very very special.
What a surprose that I was drunk when I first kissed him, told you I couldn't talk to an attractive mail while sober! Oh deary me, but at least it ended up with us being together, and he really is a wonderful person!
But guess what? I have fallen in love, I couldn't help it, but it still isn't going to stop me going to University (something I think my mum is worried about), but he supports what I want to do, it just everything a little more complicated!
 He's so sweet, he seems to think I'm worth buying pretty stuff for!
I can't actually describe how happy he makes me, whenever I'm in his arms, I can't help but smile and when I wake up being cuddled by him I know it's going to be a good day, and if something goes wrong, he'll be there to cheer me up at the end of it.
Things may have gotten deeper than I thought they would, but as I've said you can't help falling in love!
Today we have been together for 2 months, so hopefully we'll do something nice.


So remember, each day, live a little, laugh a little and love a little.

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2 Lovely messages

  1. Aw this is such a nice post Beth. I could so relate to your second boyfriend, mine was also long distance and when we broke up I think I mainly missed his family, his town and the travel more than I actually missed him. I do in a way still miss what we had and it sometimes kills me that I don't know who he is as a person anymore, but like you said, it helps you grow up and mature in so many ways.
    I know what you mean as well in saying that friends just don't quite fill that entire bubble, when you're single there will always be that little place you want a guy to fill. That's how I feel at the moment, for a long time I can honestly say I was happy being single, but now I feel like I am ready to be with someone again, it kind of upsets me I don't have someone there at the end of the day to get a cuddle off or even just have that special kind of bond with someone.
    I'm so happy you have found someone! & so happy that you are happy, it's such a nice feeling to be loved by someone you love back :)
    J xxx

    1. It can be really difficult, but life goes on and you just need to find someone who makes you happy, and they are out there!
      And thank you =D


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